What advice would your teenage self give you today?
I recently came across the question, "What advice would you give your teenage self?" and found it surprisingly hard to answer from a professional or growth context. I was a big nerd in high school, and when it came to things like physical appearance or popularity, I didn't have a lot of confidence. But back then, I knew I could pick up a book and teach myself something because I had taught myself basic HTML at 13. If I did something for a while without running into difficulties, I thought of myself as good or maybe even expert at it. Fast forward to couple of years ago, when I realized that I was nervous to talk about achievements in my 13+ years of program management experience and I was questioning almost every decision I made. In my 20's, I told myself that when I reached a certain level of experience (say, 10 years), I'd stop falling into analysis paralysis or questioning myself, but instead it continued and even became worse.
The lack of confidence or imposter syndrome I'm describing is not simply an underestimating of your capabilities, I believe it comes from being taught not to trust yourself over time. It isn't something you're born with or something you can "catch" from being introduced to the idea, it is fostered through interactions in your life and professional career. These interactions could anything from not being trusted to lead a project, to a coworker taking credit for your idea during a meeting, not being included in important decisions, or a manager telling you that you're not ready for the next level even though you're meeting or exceeding the written criteria.
This has become even more apparent while working with some of my female clients with 20+ years of experience. I'm always surprised that with so many years of experience, they've lost their confidence. They're scared about interviewing with other companies and they're downplaying their successes. When you continue to face adversity, you may build strength, but sometimes you give up. I've also worked with some women who fall into this camp, settling into professional situations that are unhealthy, and building resentment towards others that is only hurting themselves.
There are some benefits to imposter syndrome - Adam Grant, for example, has been talking about how it can result in more drive and fuel your success. Those who underestimate themselves are more likely to be highly capable and open to learning. That's all great, but what can we actively do if we're feeling stuck, or want to change our mindset?
Recognize that this is the product of our environment, interactions with others and impact to mindset rather than a fault or misunderstanding someone has.
Consider yourself a work in progress and acknowledge your growth. Actively challenge lack of confidence in your daily interactions - encourage your children, your friends, your parents, your mentees, your boss, every one you know to do the same.
Flip the question. Ask yourself, "What is some feedback my teenage self would give me today?" and follow it.
When I flipped the question, I decided my teenage self would tell me to:
Decide what I want for my life and set goals accordingly; I just need to keep moving forward and do the work to get there.
Be discerning when choosing to listen to critics (especially if the critics are in my head).
Take time to reflect on how far I've come and what I've learned over the years, be grateful and own my experience.
It's incredibly hard to break habits that have been a part of some of us for decades. Here are some practical examples of things I've focused on in the past year that have brought me closer to changing this mindset and may help you:
Read Untamed by Glennon Doyle - I'm very critical when it comes to books, but this is a bestseller for a reason. I had heard great things about Glennon and read her other books prior to this book coming out, and to be honest, I wasn't sold on her at all. She's a fantastic writer, but something felt "off" to me. Now I know why! She met Abby Wambach and fully found herself, so now her writing is so much more meaningful and powerful. This book will make you feel seen, and if you're a white cis male, it may open your eyes to some of the societal conditioning that can lead to lack of confidence so you can be an even better ally.
Find and make time for activities that remind you of how capable you are - volunteer work, a side hustle, or mentoring can all help you learn new skills and boost your self esteem outside of your day to day job. If you don't have the time to take on anything else, even completing a challenging 10 minute workout can give you a boost of confidence.
Be receptive to feedback, but also actively question it and consider the context - Don't blindly accept all constructive criticism you receive. Run it past someone you trust if you need to. Take the time to process it and revisit it if need be. Are you really "aggressive" as someone mentioned in your performance review? Is this the right environment for you to grow and thrive in? Was this feedback from someone who may be projecting, or having a bad day? Decide how you're going to take the feedback and adjust accordingly (if at all).
Whew. This is a heavy topic and a lot to process and work through. What would your teenage self tell you? I would love to hear if you've had similar experiences! I'm also revisiting a "Career Tenets" activity I completed in my Lean In Circle several years ago, which directly relates to taking a look at experience and setting future goals and intentions. Looking forward to sharing this with you in the future.